How ‘Following Your Heart’ Might Be Why You're Still Hurting

This is your sign to stop letting every “valid” feeling run the show.

We were taught to follow our feelings.
We weren’t taught to check them.

Heads up: This might mess with your mindset. We’re about to unlearn some so-called “wisdom” today—so if at any point you feel low-key triggered, pause. Come back when you’re ready to rumble (with grace and curiosity). By the end of this post, you’ll know I’m on your team. And hey—maybe I’m your new fave relationship coach. (Don’t worry, you can decide that after slide 37.)

Emily, 38.
“He said I was unlike anyone he’d ever met. That he’d never felt this kind of connection before. That I healed everything his soul was hurting from—and that his family loved me too. We dated for five years. Now pushing 40, and he still wasn’t ready to commit. We ended up having a very painful break up. A year later, he married someone else. I don’t know what hurts more: realizing he didn’t love me enough to choose me, or realizing I didn’t love and choose myself enough to walk away earlier from a relationship where, deep down, I knew he was never all in.”

Mel, 29.
I thought cutting off my mom would protect my peace. So I blocked her number, left the group chat, turned down every invite from relatives if I knew she’d be there, and called it "boundaries". My therapist said my anger was valid. Friends said I was doing the right thing. But later, I realized—I wasn’t really angry at her. I was angry at the pain I buried when Dad left us when I was six. And every time she triggered me, she became my emotional punching bag. And it hit me: what I didn’t work out, I acted out. I told myself she was just another failed parent who didn’t deserve my love—when in truth, she was the one who stayed, even when I treated her like the enemy. Now? My phone’s silent. We’ve been estranged for five years. No more Mom’s comfort food when I’m sick. No more lavish dim sum Sundays. No more all-expenses-paid overseas vacations. No more red envelopes on Lunar New Year, birthdays, or Christmas to help with rent. All because I deeply felt deep in my bones—that I was deeply betrayed. And now? I don’t even know what hurts more: becoming the very thing I hated my dad for (abandoning family)… or the regret I carry like punishment, because I don’t have the face to make it right.

Oof.

Stories like these aren’t rare. They’re becoming more and more common—especially in a culture that tells us to chase what feels good and cut off what doesn’t. But just because a feeling runs deep doesn’t mean it’s rooted in truth. And just because a decision feels empowering in the moment doesn’t mean it won’t cost you something later.

Welcome to Triggered But Curious—where big feelings meet bigger truths. We unpack the messy stuff: love, family, identity, faith, and culture—one trigger at a time. For anyone craving love that’s real, rooted, and grown—emotionally, spiritually, and relationally. Fair warning: you will get triggered. But if you stay curious? You just might level up ❤️‍🔥

We were taught to look for love—for chemistry, butterflies, that magnetic pull. So we ran toward the fire, mistaking adrenaline for alignment.

We were also taught that healing means choosing ourselves—no matter the cost. That anyone who triggered us—even family—was unsafe. And if they don't validate us? We have every right to walk away. It feels empowering. It looks like strength. It even sounds like healing.

We've lived by the mantras of this hyper-individualism culture: “Trust in yourself. Follow your heart. Your feelings are valid.”

But here's what no one's ever asked us to check.
👇

Where has trusting our feelings and following our hearts actually led us?

The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

No one gets married thinking they’ll end up divorced. No one enters a relationship expecting heartbreak. No one shares their most vulnerable parts thinking they’ll be weaponized later.

And yet, we keep doing this dance—trusting our feelings as truth, instead of distrusting them long enough to ask:

• “Is this love, or lust?

• "Am I reacting to this moment or something older from the past?"

• "Do I want connection or do I want to be right?"

• “Am I asking for wisdom—or just looking for someone to say I’m right?”

If our feelings were always true—if they were truly valid—so many of us wouldn’t be hurting the way we are. We wouldn’t feel so confused. We wouldn’t keep going back to people who can’t meet us, hoping this time will be different. We wouldn’t be stuck regretting choices made in moments of anger or hurt—or swept up in lust, ego, selfishness, or the seductive lie that chasing freedom matters more than honouring responsibility. Instead, we spiral—questioning our worth, isolating in shame, and trying to convince ourselves we’re still a good person.

Quick vibe check—How we doin’? Still with me? Haven’t rage-unsubscribed yet? Cool. Let’s keep going.

But I do want you to recognize this: when we put too much trust in our feelings—treating them as truth and using them as compass that dictates how we show up, without checking for context, truth and patterns—it can seriously mislead us in relationships.

Sometimes the truth isn’t just uncomfortable—it’s offensive.
Downright disrespectful, if you will.
Especially when it comes for our feelings… or challenges how we see ourselves.

But let’s keep it real—how many times have we followed our heart straight into a disaster zone?

Let’s not sugarcoat it.

Fair warning: Scripture doesn’t play when it comes to calling us out:
Jeremiah 17:9 — “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked—who can understand it?”

Translation? 👉 Our hearts are prone to self-deception, manipulation, and emotional distortion.

Read it again, slowly:
“The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked.”

If you’re not into the Bible, I get it—that verse comes in hot.
But tell me it doesn’t read like your last situationship.
Because whether you believe it or not, most of us have lived that truth:
We trusted our heart… and got played. By our own delusion.

Your heart yelling, “EXCUSE ME? I’m a good person!”
Yep. I hear it.
Still true though. 👇

When we prioritize feelings over character, we ignore glaring red flags. We rationalize toxic behavior. We minimize our needs. We tell ourselves stories like “no relationship is perfect” or “they’ll change.” And over time, those compromises add up. They create micro-fissures in our self-worth, our sense of safety, our ability to trust. We might still love want to trust that person deeply, but the relationship slowly erodes our confidence and peace of mind.

Same with intense, charged emotions. When we’re hurt and desperate to feel seen and be believed, the words “your feelings are valid” hit like a high. It feels righteous. Empowering. And without realizing it, we cling to it like Gospel. One unchecked thought—“I’m right”—becomes a green light. A license to act. And that feeling of being validated and justified? That’s what drives our next behaviour. We character-assassinate. We punish. We lash out. Shut down. Cut off. Go cold. Get loud. Not just to be heard—but to win.

And hey, I get it. Sometimes we are right. But when there are two nervous systems in the room, two things can be true at the same time. And sometimes—two people can be wrong at the same time too.

How over-trusting ourselves and our feelings can sabotage our relationships:

• We ignore red flags and wise counsel, thinking we’re the exception, not the rule.

• We get stubborn and double down—even when everything’s pointing the other way.

• We stop asking if our truth is the whole truth—we assume it is.

• We won’t listen unless our feelings are validated first.

• We demand apologies before peace—making reconciliation conditional.

• We avoid self-reflection and cling to being right—because being wrong would bruise our ego and trigger shame.

Where it leads us:

• To five-year situationships that go nowhere.

• To people who call us their soulmate—until they choose someone else.

• To short-lived marriages that end up in divorce.

• To grieving parents who are still alive.

• To the quiet heartbreak of mistaking discomfort for “danger”—and calling disconnection “healing.”

• To decisions we can’t undo, and shame we carry like penance.

• To a kind of spiritual confusion where we’re lonelier than ever—but too proud to admit we were wrong.

• To winning the argument—but losing the relationship.

• To feeling justified—but stuck, bitter, and alone.

• To thinking we’re healing—but it doesn’t feel like peace.

• To a life ruled by feelings (our truth), not the Truth—where we become the villain in someone else’s story while convincing ourselves we’re the hero.

Because unchecked feelings don’t just distort truth when we’re hurting—they distort it when we’re high on hope, too. When we mistake chemistry for connection, or lust for love, or think being love-bombed is being seen, our feelings whisper, “This must be it.” It feels good, so we trust it. But the same unchecked feelings that blur truth in pleasure will also later twist it in pain—they convince us we’re holy while we’re doing harm. When it feels so good after we’re paying pain with pain, our feelings trick us into thinking we’re acting from righteous justice—when really, we’re just perpetuating the cycle of harm. We become the living proof that hurt people, hurt people. We don’t realize that we’re just flawed human judging other flawed human for sinning differently.

If your palms are sweaty from all that emotional blasphemy—breathe. I’m not asking you to ghost your feelings, kay? Feelings aren’t the enemy, I promise.

How to stop living the emotional roller coaster lifestyle.

Stop treating our feelings like Gospel—and start checking them like airport security 🛫.

Not because every feeling is dangerous, but because you can’t afford to be wrong about the one that is. If you let every emotion board the plane unchecked, it might take you somewhere you never wanted to go—and crash everything with it.

At emotional security check, these are your red flags. 🚨 Flag them for inspection if they fall under these 4 D's: They distract you, disturb you, discourage you, and disconnect you. (Credit where it’s due—I learned this from Johnny Chang’s powerful teaching of Intrusive Thoughts — read it here).

1. Distract You

Feelings that hijack your focus and pull you toward fantasy, illusion, or impulsive highs—making you chase what feels good without questioning if it’s true or wise.

• High-intensity emotions (electric chemistry, intoxicating highs, manic infatuation)

• High-hearted or self-exalting (grandiose, puffed-up, self-obsessed, “I’m right, they’re wrong”, “I’m above this”, “I know I’m forgiven but I still can’t forgive myself”)

2. Disturb You

Feelings that rob you of inner calm and create internal chaos—keeping you restless, dysregulated, and reactive.

• Chaotic emotions that are unproductive and don’t lead to clarity or solution (overanalyzing, spiralling, obsessing, ruminating)

• Intense emotional swings (manic, crazy-making, emotionally erratic)

• Control-fueled anxiety—feels wise, sounds like logic, dressed as caution or protection, but rooted in fear, panic, trauma

3. Discourage You

Feelings that drain your motivation, keep you small, and convince you that giving up is safer than hoping again. These keep you stuck in cycles of despair, inaction, or self-abandonment.

• Low self-worth emotions that fuel self-loathing, self-pity, self-doubt (“I’m too broken,” “I’m not enough”, “I’m such a bad person”)

• Emotional burnout (exhaustion, numbness, mental fog, apathy, hopelessness, comes from doing too much, feeling too much, or doing imbalance emotional labour for too long without rest, replenishment or reciprocation—*“I’ve tried everything. I have nothing left”, “I’m tired of caring so much”)

• Inner collapse (You’ve given up before even trying (or trying again), laziness masked as defeat: “I’m just not capable,” “Maybe this is just how I am”, “I’m just not the type of person who can do this", “I’ve tried before and failed. Why would this time be different?”; chronic avoidance)

4. Disconnect You

Feelings that sever intimacy and trust—pulling away, pushing others away, performing, and justifying it as protection, love or empowerment.

• Division-fueled emotions (offended, jealous, envious, judgmental, critical, resentful, bitter)

• Defensive projections (blamed, attacked, misunderstood, emotionally shut down, guarded *“There’s no point trying, they’ll just judge me”, “I know how this will go—so why bother?”)

• Righteous anger turned cold (self-righteous, punishing, cold detachment, passive-aggressive, moral superiority, consciously wishing harm on others)

• Fear-driven harmony (feelings of guilt for having needs, fear of disappointing others, anxiety about being rejected if you say no)

What checking our feelings looks like:

• Are his feelings for me real—or am I just being love-bombed right now?

• Am I really crushing on them because of who they are—or am I just projecting the fantasy of who I hope they are?

• Is he ghosting—or is my anxious attachment freaking out and filling in the blanks?

• Did they never really love me—or was the breakup just the final crack in a fragile foundation we never really checked?

• Am I doing this to fit who they need me to be—or because deep down, I didn’t believe my wants mattered?

• Is my boss really being unreasonable—or am I just offended they didn’t love my work the way I did, and now my ego’s throwing a tantrum?

• Is my kid disrespectful—or am I just triggered AF because I never had a voice?

• Does my mother-in-law actually think I'm a bad mom—or am I hearing my mom’s voice in her tone?

• Am I protecting my peace by calling it boundaries—or just punishing them for not exalting me?

• Am I’m really a good person and they’re the bad ones—or am I just being high-hearted right now?

That’s not overthinking. That’s emotional maturity.
That’s how you lead your feelings—instead of letting them hijack your life.
That’s how you check your heart before it wrecks your life.
This is the work.
This is what it looks like to choose growth over comfort.
Not by numbing out—but by getting honest about the stories your feelings are telling… and asking if they’re actually true.

Would you trust the voice that says “just one Pringle” and suddenly the whole bag’s gone?
Or the one that swears you’ll just browse Zara—and you walk out $300 deep?
That’s your feelings.
(Okay fine—those are mine.)

Look, none of this is about perfection. We’re all human. We’ve all been deceived by our feelings at some point. And if I'm honest, I'm writing this for myself too.

Ultimately, this is a call to live and love consciously—not reactively, not emotionally entitled, not falsely empowered by whatever feels good in the moment. Not ruled by emotional highs and lows, but guided by clarity, curiosity, and grounded discernment.

It’s time to unlearn and unfollow the feel-good mantras of hyper-individualism like “Trust in your feelings. Follow your heart. Your feelings are valid.”

Feelings are data.
Real? Yes.
Reliable? Not always.

So, remember: Scan your feelings like TSA scans shampoo bottles. Just because it’s under 100ml doesn’t mean it’s safe. If you let every feeling through without a bag check, don’t be surprised when one sets the plane on fire. ✈️💥🔥

Related: Your Feelings aren’t valid. What noone tells you about “validation”. And how to check our heart before it wrecks our life.

Ok, feelings check:

🔥 What’s coming up for you right now? Triggered but curious? Emotionally roasted? Low-key offended? Got a “but what if…” or that one question you’re scared to say out loud? Let it out. I got you. Comments open. DMs too. 🤝 Don’t let this post be a monologue—make it a conversation. I’m listening. ❤️

If something stirred in you—don’t ignore it.
Got a question tugging at your heart? Send it my way.
If it’s on your mind, chances are it’s on someone else’s too.
Your question might become part of a future post 💌—always anonymous, unless you say otherwise.